Personal Crazy Index

Or: How I Know My Life is Unmanageable

The revelation always comes gradually.
Like the opening up of a vignette frame
Starting tight on the bright blue
Aquafina bottle label,
Ending on a wide shot of a backseat
Strewn with 38 other empties.

The revelation also always comes with warnings.
Like the disinterested look masking
A deep shame as I toss the Muscle Milk bottle
Back onto a pile of three others.
*Tomorrow,* I start,
*Tomorrow, I’ll grab those four and put them away.*
Tomorrow never comes before bottle 20.

The revelation always brings other things.
Like how that first bottle of Coke
Was actually a stress bottle
I drank “to stay awake” on my way
To Hemet for a presentation, but
It was really to stay fucking calm on my way
To Hemet for a presentation.

The revelation always stays the same.
Like how I realize that last bottle -
Or protein shake
Or soda
Always confesses I’d avoided this truth:
Something broke me down
And I didn’t know how to build myself back up.

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